Loneliness Grabs Your Heart When You Are Not Prepared...

I love how the "Eat, Pray, Love" author put it, that Loneliness is actually a character that just appear and sticks to you. No matter how you tell him to back-off, he will just give you those sad eyes while silently sneaks into bed with you, despite knowing how unwelcome he is.

In fact, it does feel that way. You can be with loved ones, close friends and go crazy with whatever activities that you are doing... yet at the same time, you feel alone. This is what I hate most. I can be connected and going-out with all these people I care about, yet I still feel alone. It's sad. It's frustrating. And it's driving me nuts!

It just further drills unto me that I'm hardly a normal person. How can anyone go more complicated than what already is? I don't get it and I really hate myself. To actually feel such torn within me, it's upsetting.

When Loneliness comes knocking, I try to go out with people to make things better, but it don't for I still feel it lurking deep within me. Which is why I'm too tired to do anything anymore. I rather rot on my bed, locking myself in the room and just... stone. Like what's the point of any effort in trying to make things better when it just, doesn't get any better?

I'm still trying to solve that one thing out.

Music Heals the Soul

How often do you hears the phrase above, and did it ever make you wonder how true it could be?

At times of sadness and frustrations, I will just need to sing a few lines to myself and it will be just a matter of minutes before I feel slightly better – though of course that doesn’t mean the tears will stop flowing. It just makes me feel… less lonely actually.

There was this one occasion, which I finds very magical (if I erase or push away the logical analytical part of my brain). That one fine day I was feeling extremely down and upset, or you can say depressed. I’ve been crying my eyes out and at the same time, trying to drive while feeling all upset as it’s a working day. I went and had a few chats with different people on the phone, trying to make myself feel better but to no avail. And right after my last chat with a friend I made through a seminar, I was playing with my phone (horrible habit, have since stopped for… a week) while killing time in a jam. While my tears continue to stream down my face, I was trying to get into some game apps when suddenly I hear music in the background (I had my headphone on). It caught me by a total surprise as I was pretty certain that I did not press the music on my iPhone. While I was trying to figure what was going on, I realized the song that was playing was in fact, “Bridge over Trouble Waters”. Stunned somewhat, I just took it all in, and just keep replaying the song. It just felt although someone was telling me that “its okay” and I feel so much better already.

As much as music heals the soul, we must not forget about that hard-rock or heavy-metal style of music that gets people all aggressive and agitated. I always recall the time in college when I was feeling so pissed with everything as I’m under a huge pressure to get some assignments settled last minute, I ended just listening to heavy rock songs to get my adrenalin running and my anger was at its peak in fact. I was slamming my fingers on the keyboard in fury, scaring students that were passing by!

Or the other occasion when I was feeling alright, then when I started on all those sad love songs I ended up crying till I go to bed. That was actually pretty embarrassing, which makes me pretty happy to have the room all to myself at times like this.

So I guess we shouldn’t say music heals, instead music affects our emotional well-being so much more than words can do. Often words spoken can means so much, yet listening to it through music seems to much different.

For that, I thank all the great musicians out there and ultimately, I thank God for the blessing of a good pair of ears to enjoy my music.

A Sudden Pop of Opportunity

I was actually feeling quite certain that this is not what I want for myself. In fact, so certain that I was torn deep inside my heart; for if I choose to follow my dreams or my path I will end up hurting or disappointing my parents, yet if I follow their goodwill plan for me I end feeling miserable for not being able to pursue mine.

I know people will find me silly to go upset over such tiny matter, yet it’s a matter close to my heart because of the fear of hurting the parents and the fear that what they say will come true, that I really make a wrong choice. But definitely more about disappointing them is my biggest concern.

I ended up crying and feeling that my heart hurt so much, it could burst as I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents how exactly I’m feeling, because there just isn’t much of a word or even sentence to descript it. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t bear making myself go through yet another few years of job that I’m not passionate about.

With all that said and done, I went to work feeling quite certain that I will reject the offer as I’ll be handling the advertising sales for the mass paper itself – for it’s definitely not something that I would want. But then, surprise springs itself upon me yet again when the department head asked me whether I will be keen for the online portfolio; as it is relatively new, they need someone to put things into order. I admit it all sounded so very exciting, as they are leaving it in my hands, one inexperienced young girl – to mane the whole thing til it takes off. Sounds like a great challenge. Yet a few hours later, I found myself thinking – is this what I want, or I’m just excited that people actually placed their faith in me to get it done? Damn, another self-questioning time.

What I often worry about is that there tend to be opportunities popping up, yet it could just be some “sucky yucky” thing disguised as a great opportunity to get my interest while I allow the real opportunity to slip me by. Else I could be thinking too much.

Still, it’s only fair that I analyze further. Though they say it’s never best to over-analyze matters, but I find that it’s necessary for me to analyze it til I puke… for I rather just get stressed up now, then fed-up again in a few months down the road.

Feeling the fall

Really exhausted with all these that’s going on.

I was informed on the printing day, that it will officially be our last issue as the management decided to discuss further on how to proceed. That did not come exactly as a surprise, but it definitely way too sudden!

While I’m scrambling over my ground to find what to inform clients and agencies while awaiting the management’s black & white directive, I made a mistake by promptly telling my clients take note on possible changes – as it was apparently, it is not firmed. Yet at the same time, we were since told to give in our resignation letter for this company, only to be absorbed into the main corporation, but isn’t that a wee bit tricky? Shouldn’t the management actually come up with a letter for us all to say that we are being “absorbed” instead of asking us to give them our resignation letter?

All in all, I wasn’t too happy with how things went about but it was definitely a slap in the face to be told that I did not perform with sales in less than 3 months period – which caused the ‘possible’ closure. Of course it didn’t make much sense to me, but I guess I do matter that much to cause such drastic result, being the only sales-person left within that period.

Perhaps everything is very clear to my management but I just don’t seem to understand much is going on still. Here we are told to give in our resignation letter, the next minute I’m told that we may still continue with the company… Okay, that means they want to ‘fire’ the entire team only to start OVER AGAIN a few months later?

It’s decided. I must be really stupid because I still don’t comprehend much what is going on.

Office Days = Blues?

Well, not really though I must say, it's almost!!

Let's start with the //Blues\\

Life hasn't been exactly "beautiful" in the office with my executive leaving in less than 2 weeks, finding out that my writer will be leaving in about 1 month as well... and not to mention that my company seems to be rather "slow" in hiring with these as reasons:

- there isn't anyone suitable in the market. We only want people with experience so that we wouldn't need to train them

My response : *I rather you get new graduates as they more likely to stay than leave, especially with the current situation we are in. Lack of human resource!!

- your sales team aren't making that much to cover the expense of hiring

My response : *Dude, chicken and egg story la! You don't hire enough, how to hit target? Like, seriously?

And one of the few things that really annoys me is this, "You have not been hitting your target or getting sales in from the time you are here. It's been 2 months now, it's not a short period nor long. But I'm expecting from you, 'cos you are a smart lad."

Okay, thanks for the 'smart' part, but seriously... 2 months is not a short period? Okay, too many internal things that affect my performance which I wouldn't state, but I do feel it's unfair somewhat. Which do makes me go *hair-pulling, teeth-grinding* at times!!!

Now to the **~*beautiful*~** part

I do have freedom of time in my hand. The best one that I love best is, I can be late for work... like 10am or straight to appointment and such... and work with my laptop outside the office!! That's because sometimes it's really inconvenient for me to head back to office. If I'm out in Damansara Uptown, it will take me 20mins to get back, which isn't that much of a time-efficient matter indeed. Of course, of course, I do work late occasionally in office as well!

Though no doubt that it can be really crazy, where I had a few occasions work til 2-3am for a few days in a row at home because there just too much to be done. Once it's settled, I'm free and slouched again.

Ultimately, it's only the freedom of time that I really love about this.

In the end ~

I decided that I will continue in this job. Just do my best without risking my health (you have no idea how I can get sick, like ultimate sick once two weeks!) and take the flow as it goes.

It's my job, but at the end of the day... as long as I'm paid and I'm happy as happy goes... why not?

PS: Advertising line indeed is one of the most stressful job ever!!

I think I am 'Complicated'

I HATE to admit that, seriously. Because that meant, I am just like most others, whose life led by complications.

However, I must say WE are the one who makes our life complicated.

I mean, look at me. I have fabulous family & friends who stood by me during hail, storm, sunny or whatever weather it could be, yet at times I can't help but feel lonely. It is such a contradictions that I just feel like kicking my nuts (unfortunately, I don't have any) and say "Buck up! You are better off than anybody already!"

Then in relationships, I've been through especially ONE horrible experience where I knew that something was amiss with that dude, yet I still allow him into my life & mess it all up. Yes, I "allowed" it. Despite the fact that I hate him & loathe him for making my life a mess, I knew that I am the one who given him that chance to break me. Even now, I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I still fear him and at the same time, feeling a huge urge to MURDER him. Yet I worry that by saying it aloud, I'm giving him that power over me. I detest that.

Ultimately, I hate myself for being stupid, fat, incapable, selfish, sensitive, ugly and all. I know that I'm not as bad as all that I mentioned, but I just can't help it at times, to feel so worthless. And that make me hate myself more. Because I feel that I do not appreciate myself. And if I don't, how others will?

See my contradictions? I know so much about me, yet I failed to do anything towards 'repairing' myself. I just go to a point where I can't stand myself.

Negativity? Too much, which in turns causes me to hate myself for being like that more.

Positivity? Please don't be mistaken. I am a positive person too. But often, I'm positive for others more than I could even be for myself. I can say "It's alright. Things will be okay" to all my loved ones, yet I always say "You idiot! How can you allow that to happen!" when I can't help certain situations that turned bad.

Sometimes, it is so complicated with all those fights over my head and my heart, that I just feel like hitting my head hard on the wall and say "Stop this nonsense. Stop Stop Stop."

So yes, I'm too darned complicated. Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself, for turning out this way. Sometimes I feel like crying, b'cos I can't understand anything. Sometimes I felt the anger, b'cos I feel powerless over myself.

I just want all this to end. And I know it starts from within. And I'm still searching. I just hope that when I find it, it wouldn't be too late.

YOU spin my head right round right round ~

Yeap! My head has been on a spinning spin for like, since last Sunday. It's annoying me to no end, given that its comes so sudden, that sometimes I lose my balance or I just lose my focus.

Scare my doc too. He was worried that it could be tumor related, in extreme cases anyway. Blurred vision can be a serious thing, especially when it occurs as sudden & frequent as it did.

Nonetheless, after checking with SJMC, it just turned out to be something known as "vertigo". It's related to fluids imbalance in the ears, which causes dizziness and such. Of course, the doctor did mention to try out this, if it got worse, then I may actually need a brain scan. The terror!

Still, at least this is nothing. That is something relieving. After all, I did have a breast cancer scare a few years back, luckily it ended up as fibroid growth. Can't exactly blame me and my family for being so panicky, as both side of our family have history of cancer growth.

I just have to control my movement, to ensure no sudden action from me to trigger this dizziness else it be a real bother, since I'm driving on the road like 80% of the time for my job. Means, I can't be as hyper as I usually am :( Sad thing, really.