I think I am 'Complicated'

I HATE to admit that, seriously. Because that meant, I am just like most others, whose life led by complications.

However, I must say WE are the one who makes our life complicated.

I mean, look at me. I have fabulous family & friends who stood by me during hail, storm, sunny or whatever weather it could be, yet at times I can't help but feel lonely. It is such a contradictions that I just feel like kicking my nuts (unfortunately, I don't have any) and say "Buck up! You are better off than anybody already!"

Then in relationships, I've been through especially ONE horrible experience where I knew that something was amiss with that dude, yet I still allow him into my life & mess it all up. Yes, I "allowed" it. Despite the fact that I hate him & loathe him for making my life a mess, I knew that I am the one who given him that chance to break me. Even now, I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I still fear him and at the same time, feeling a huge urge to MURDER him. Yet I worry that by saying it aloud, I'm giving him that power over me. I detest that.

Ultimately, I hate myself for being stupid, fat, incapable, selfish, sensitive, ugly and all. I know that I'm not as bad as all that I mentioned, but I just can't help it at times, to feel so worthless. And that make me hate myself more. Because I feel that I do not appreciate myself. And if I don't, how others will?

See my contradictions? I know so much about me, yet I failed to do anything towards 'repairing' myself. I just go to a point where I can't stand myself.

Negativity? Too much, which in turns causes me to hate myself for being like that more.

Positivity? Please don't be mistaken. I am a positive person too. But often, I'm positive for others more than I could even be for myself. I can say "It's alright. Things will be okay" to all my loved ones, yet I always say "You idiot! How can you allow that to happen!" when I can't help certain situations that turned bad.

Sometimes, it is so complicated with all those fights over my head and my heart, that I just feel like hitting my head hard on the wall and say "Stop this nonsense. Stop Stop Stop."

So yes, I'm too darned complicated. Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself, for turning out this way. Sometimes I feel like crying, b'cos I can't understand anything. Sometimes I felt the anger, b'cos I feel powerless over myself.

I just want all this to end. And I know it starts from within. And I'm still searching. I just hope that when I find it, it wouldn't be too late.

YOU spin my head right round right round ~

Yeap! My head has been on a spinning spin for like, since last Sunday. It's annoying me to no end, given that its comes so sudden, that sometimes I lose my balance or I just lose my focus.

Scare my doc too. He was worried that it could be tumor related, in extreme cases anyway. Blurred vision can be a serious thing, especially when it occurs as sudden & frequent as it did.

Nonetheless, after checking with SJMC, it just turned out to be something known as "vertigo". It's related to fluids imbalance in the ears, which causes dizziness and such. Of course, the doctor did mention to try out this, if it got worse, then I may actually need a brain scan. The terror!

Still, at least this is nothing. That is something relieving. After all, I did have a breast cancer scare a few years back, luckily it ended up as fibroid growth. Can't exactly blame me and my family for being so panicky, as both side of our family have history of cancer growth.

I just have to control my movement, to ensure no sudden action from me to trigger this dizziness else it be a real bother, since I'm driving on the road like 80% of the time for my job. Means, I can't be as hyper as I usually am :( Sad thing, really.