I think I am 'Complicated'

I HATE to admit that, seriously. Because that meant, I am just like most others, whose life led by complications.

However, I must say WE are the one who makes our life complicated.

I mean, look at me. I have fabulous family & friends who stood by me during hail, storm, sunny or whatever weather it could be, yet at times I can't help but feel lonely. It is such a contradictions that I just feel like kicking my nuts (unfortunately, I don't have any) and say "Buck up! You are better off than anybody already!"

Then in relationships, I've been through especially ONE horrible experience where I knew that something was amiss with that dude, yet I still allow him into my life & mess it all up. Yes, I "allowed" it. Despite the fact that I hate him & loathe him for making my life a mess, I knew that I am the one who given him that chance to break me. Even now, I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I still fear him and at the same time, feeling a huge urge to MURDER him. Yet I worry that by saying it aloud, I'm giving him that power over me. I detest that.

Ultimately, I hate myself for being stupid, fat, incapable, selfish, sensitive, ugly and all. I know that I'm not as bad as all that I mentioned, but I just can't help it at times, to feel so worthless. And that make me hate myself more. Because I feel that I do not appreciate myself. And if I don't, how others will?

See my contradictions? I know so much about me, yet I failed to do anything towards 'repairing' myself. I just go to a point where I can't stand myself.

Negativity? Too much, which in turns causes me to hate myself for being like that more.

Positivity? Please don't be mistaken. I am a positive person too. But often, I'm positive for others more than I could even be for myself. I can say "It's alright. Things will be okay" to all my loved ones, yet I always say "You idiot! How can you allow that to happen!" when I can't help certain situations that turned bad.

Sometimes, it is so complicated with all those fights over my head and my heart, that I just feel like hitting my head hard on the wall and say "Stop this nonsense. Stop Stop Stop."

So yes, I'm too darned complicated. Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself, for turning out this way. Sometimes I feel like crying, b'cos I can't understand anything. Sometimes I felt the anger, b'cos I feel powerless over myself.

I just want all this to end. And I know it starts from within. And I'm still searching. I just hope that when I find it, it wouldn't be too late.