Ignorance or Naive?

History repeats. And it's proven yet again, how parents failed their duty to protect their children. And somehow, this is incredibly rampant in Asian countries with the lukewarm effort to improve the system or even putting up any effort into it.

Take Malaysia for example. The recent missing child Nurul Nadirah Abdullah, whose charred remains was found at a plantation. It's a typical horror event that somehow always repeat itself in the news. And as always, it shares two points. Point 1: Young children wander about without adult surveillance. 2) Parents said their area is safe.

I wonder how many children need to be lost, hurt, or killed in order for parents in Malaysia to learn about "child safety". Malaysian community have a typical attitude in life. A "tidak apa" behavior which you can see in the way they live as a family within any community, in their performance at work and literally everything itself. Malaysians make a huge fuss and fights when things go wrong... though this usually only last for, say... a few days? Weeks? Months? Years? And then the whole issue will die down and repeat itself once again when things happen, yet again. Malaysian never "prevent", they only "react".

The most Malaysian parents have almost no rules or regulations for their children which I believed, an attitude ingrained in them since long ago, a very cultural thing. Children ran on the streets where vehicles passes by all day. Younger siblings will be placed in the care of the older siblings, sometimes as young as SEVEN-years-old. Parents and community are too comfortable with the idea that "it is all in the hands of Allah or the Lord". Unfortunately, some communities are affected more on this particular topic than any other, mainly because they are very trusting to others - which make them one of the most close-knitted community who look out for one another. However they must realize that the current society that we are living in has since changed much. Crimes has increased drastically. The violence and senselessness of the crimes these days should serve as loud warning bell in any parents mind. Parents who commit heinous crimes against their own children are in the rising and even reported quite often in the news, how can you expect people in the public will not harm someone's else child? So is this "naive" or just plain "ignorance"?

Over and over again, parents have been reminded to look and monitor their children. Over and over again, children are left to their own devices. And when bad things happened, parents and the public cried foul over the crime and want justice. Yet, they are just as guilty. They could have prevent the crime from happening all-together.

If parents are not able to learn on their own devices, it is big time that a proper law to be put in place. A law to ensure that the parents are fit to care for their children, and harsher laws for crime against children. It is laughable that a monster who molest, rape, hurt, abduct are only sentenced to a few years for such crime, only to repeat himself on other children when he's out. Where is the justice in this?

The Issue of Self-Harm

I really need to do some clarifications here. Families and friends are getting worried with my revelation of self-harm issue and have been approaching me. Yes, I have a tendency to have suicide-thoughts and harming myself in the process. Of course, there are some people who says it's attention-seeking behavior (which I will deny, I get attention no matter what I do and getting attention on this issue, is just not me) and tonnes of other things. Though when I think of it deeper, I did find myself questioning, "Did I really do this for attention?". After much thought, I decided that 'attention-seeking' is indeed part of the subconscious want of it, despite my conscious self deny it strongly.

Honestly, I have long since accepted this dark side of me that craves to hurt myself or to just die and let go of life itself. I have never given much thought on this side of me till mid-last year, where I took part of a seminar in the name of work. It made me realizes that I actually do fear that I will really get myself killed one-day, and that somewhat forces me to look deeper into my subconscious.

Funnily, it all started when I was 7 or 8 years old. I remembered that I was extremely upset about something and it prompted me to write a suicide letter in my notebook. I didn't do anything then. But over the years, I done many different things to kill myself which only ends with hilarious results (even I made myself speechless and laughed about it whenever I thought of it).

There was this time where I close all windows and doors in the kitchen I use cloth to cover each and any openings, then leave the gas on (all while at the same time praying no one will press the doorbell as I didn't want an explosion). Within 30 minutes, I got so fed-up of waiting for myself to die that I close the gas and open all windows and doors to let the air out. Then I went back to the TV to ease my boredom.

Another occasion, I opened the railing and window of my room and climbed on. While I was preparing to jump, the logic side of the brain kicks in. "My room is only ONE floor high. If I jumped off and only ends up with some bruises and scars, I will have to get back in the house through the front gate. And mum is downstairs." So I got off, close the window and went back to my study.

I too forced myself to swallowed a dozen over Panadols before sleep one day only to ends up with major headaches for the next few days. I totally avoid Panadol since then, unless I'm having major illness.

While I was renting room in college days, my bed on the upper deck is just next to the ceiling fan. If I stretch myself far out enough, I definitely be able to touch it. In more than one occasion, I had this strong curiosity of wanting to touch the fan while it was spinning - just so to see what would happen. But the thought of splattered blood, pain and possibly losing my hand while still being alive as well scarring my poor roommate for life stops me. Then I will fall fast asleep.

Once, I was way prepared to crash my car but the monetary side said, "The car is worth more than RM50,000 and when you die, your funeral will cost as much. Better keep the car for its value to pay for your death." So I stopped myself once again.

And of course, you guys know the part where I slit my wrist more than thrice and all. For the record, I KNOW that I can't die from the blood lost from the wrist. Unless I cut some major arteries, which is not possible as I don't slit that hard. Also, there are 5 stages of blood lost trauma which so far I've only experienced the first stage. In order to die, you need to reach the fourth or the last stage. So, if anyone you know tried to suicide with wrist slitting attempt, there are only two explanations to it. Either they don't know how to cut themselves the right way OR they just want attention and calling for help.

I could still bloody go on, but even I'm bored of writing my attempts. I noticed that whenever I have an emotional outbursts or something happened that caused me to be extremely unhappy about life, I will attempt whatever possible. I consider it as my weakness of being unable to face life as it is. It's a mental issue in its very own way. I've considered and tried to find some help by trying to located local psychiatrist (with no luck). Though I do consider myself lucky, in the sense that I know that it is a problem that need fixing. I believe that when one realized there is an issue and do something about it, even if it can't be resolved, it can at the very least be controlled.

Time flies - so here comes baby MARCH

It's the first week of March now, and I'm obligated to write something or anything at all - just so to show that I'm alive. I've been pretty hard to get in touch with these past few weeks - no thanks to hopeless DiGi line in my area, as well as really bad Maxis internet line. Going bonkers... but TOTALLY TOTALLY love the "alone" time.

As I am prone to depression, I must note that I was really down in the dumps for a few times. And yeah, did some self-harm but chill, it's nothing close to "death". I actually went to research on the self-harm things that I did to myself, and it's interesting to note that most self-harm are just done to create a sort of "sensation" or reassuring own-self that I am still alive. So no worry, I won't die anytime soon - especially not from self-harm for I have no courage to literally kill myself. Even though I went through days and days of mental planning of death but nothing really interests me. Especially when I want a clean, quick death if I'm to die at home so family wouldn't need to clean-up after me - or a quick, noticeable death is I'm to die outside without being a hindrance to public... just so people can find my body. Yes, it ain't easy to die... especially on these terms of mine! So it won't and will not happen.

So anyway, let's slap those "death" topic away and get into some other weird topic here. It just came out of the blue when I was bathing this morning, and recalling some movies and all. I'm not exactly sure that any of you notice this but there is some very specific "life stories" or topics if you look into the type of dramas, movies made by different races or cultures.

I mean, think about it.

Malay dramas, movies - If it's about ghost, it's far from scary. It's amazingly humorous and doesn't really make sense. Perhaps I don't really get their scary scene as most ghost stories are related to specific culture and believes. On their dramas and movies, mostly tend to focus on how women (especially married) should behave with their husbands, or practice religion vigorously, or how they should be accepting to their husbands having second, third or forth wives without creating a scene as it is sinful (seriously?). Noticed that it usually about family affairs. Sad to note that a number of Malays drama on the tv seriously, can't make it... with the bad storyline or "super-fail" acting. Those really good ones though can get you glued to the chairs. Indonesia's dramas/movies on the other hand, I noticed they are really quite good - maybe because since it already make it out of the country so the bad ones may be kicked aside by then.

Chinese dramas, movies - If it's about ghost, usually ranges from DAMN scary to DAMN hilarious. On TVB (Hong Kong) dramas and movies, quite often it focus on family affairs such as siblings or relatives fighting over properties, or revenge for their family... generally I term them as bad influence (with their extreme mind-blowing underhand tactics) - though sometimes some are more hilarious in nature. Or, it will be generally some remake of successful English dramas - some FAIL while some are quite close to being GREAT. Taiwanese dramas/movies tend to be extremely LONG (especially their Hokkien dialects dramas which one famously known to run over 500 episodes) but they do have quite interesting talk shows. Singapore dramas/movies are quite good (most likely because we relate to it) but you do get bored with the same actors and actresses in all their shows. China dramas/movies are long-winded as well, and usually are more educational and infused with morale values in general.

Indian dramas, movies - I've NEVER seen a ghost related indian movie - now that I'm thinking about it. Yeah, never. Something that I notice about Hindi movies - stories are usually about parents against marriage, revenge etc etc but always with TWO thing in common. First, they can fight ONE man against 20 dudes with parangs (more impressive than IP Man). Second, they always have tonnes of trees to sing and run around and changes more than 3 times in ONE singing scene that last for 5 minutes or so. Local Indian dramas FAIL to make any noticeable presence to me.

English dramas, movies - Their ghost movies are USUALLY boring (only a few make it to the SCARY level) and again, I must say it's related to culture and believes. As they are the largest entertainment industry, the type of dramas and movies covered are so varied, that there just isn't much to comment about. As they are running out of ideas, we tend to see remakes or part II, part III etc. Occasionally they make their own translation of some successful international movies which often fail to project the same success.

Japan dramas, movies - My only recollection are mostly of ghost movies. And man, they can really make BLOODY scary ones. I still remember "Dark Water" till today, and houses or hotels with black patches of waters on the walls or ceiling, still creeps me right out.

Korean dramas, movies - Did not notice any ghost dramas/movies. Usually it's on the older times about laws, regulations, customs... or love stories, which they are so famously known for. I'm a sucker to their dramas shows as it can be funny, sad all at the same time - with gorgeous actors and actresses, of course!

Now, what did I miss out? I notice that I'm quite long-winded when I start writing as well... not sure it's a good or bad thing but man... I know this post especially, contains tonnes of grammatical errors - please pardon me.