Funny Videos

College Humor are really good, if you know what I mean. Check out these videos by them. Totally... AWESOME!

The Six Girls You'll See Back Home

In the Unlikely Event...

Every Teen Movie Ending

Surely hope it makes your day! Haha!

Seeking clothes and accessories distributors

Yay! Spoke to my friend, Mandy who did an online business on dresses a few years back. Asked whether she interested to start back again, as I am eager to help :)

She said, "Why not?"

Awesome. Now all I need to do is look for distributors whom I can order in smaller quantity and low price with good quality and we are set to go. Must work on this!

Crazy Week

Seems that I stopped writing for a while, again.

Kinda have to drag myself to write, else I'll stop writing for another few months. Pretty hopeless in keeping myself in track. Heh heh.

Though this crazy week isn't entirely horrible. Managed to slip away for a few days vacation-ing with my family and cousins in Pangkor. I shall write about that soon. It's a blast!

Then one-day trip with my fellow mates up to Genting (unexpected) and Bkt Tinggi (we got lost driving in those old junk road for 2 hours or so). It was a totally random and quite interesting trip.

Then work... ah, the work. Headache and everything. It's all so rush, to the point I'm not too excited about it. Sheesh...

And I spent RM500 on some health products to detoxify my system. Mum gonna kill me. She told me to save for CNY shopping already...

That's like a week or two summary. Hahaha!!

Online Business

The more I think about it, the more certain is my feelings.

I'll source for the necessary distributors for accessories and clothing for me to work on :) I know that the market is quite saturated, but my main intention isn't about money, it's about giving people a chance to buy lovely and quality items! I had enough with poor products sold in shops and online alike! We deserve better!

Pimple Joke

Been working on so many late nights recently, I'm getting burned and tired more easily. Not to forget, those darn pimples just relentlessly appearing non-stop. The worse (or funniest) pimples to appear is:

How bloody obnoxious is that? It both came out at the right time, and bloody in one straight line!! Seriously, even pimples know how to make a joke these days...

Adobe Dreamweaver + Photoshop

I was required to help out on some designs and newsletter, so I thought I give Adobe Dreamweaver & Photoshop a try. It was a huge bother to install them though as I've gotten some cds (older version) which can't be installed and I have to go download... figure out how to use the damn thing.

Yeah, I've NEVER touch either programs before in my entire life. And I have to learn it in 3 days.

...

Anyway, proud to announce that I did well :)

It was as confusing as ever, but thanks to having an Internet and Google and YouTube - all these are made easy!

I literally used another of my laptop for YouTube videos while testing the system out. And me being a hyperactive (yeah, I can't freaking focus), I just listen to the video goes "Bla bla bla" and amazingly managed to catch some of the important words... and voila! Work is done baby!

These are some photos I've downloaded from the Google Search:

And I turned them to this:

Not too bad for beginner. Did it in 2 days or less actually. HAHAHA!

So yeah, I feel like I grew some wings right now :) Feels good when you actually did something that turns out better than expected!

Still, I wish I have one I.T. person to help us out. That would make my life a bless. I could just focus on getting the deals done and not everything which make me unable to get things done in proper manner and on-time.

Piece of Sh*t!

I was thinking of putting some images of REAL or "look-alike" of shit... but that is wayyy too disgusting even for me! So skipped that idea...

So the reason for this SHIT is because I freaking stepped on shit right before I got into my car after sending a fellow friend home... and I didn't realize it til I put my foot on my carpet and my first instinct of the slimy feel... "Oh Fuck". I thought it was leaves until I start scrubbing my slipper and realized... it's a freaking "POT OF GOLD". Too bad there isn't any REAL gold in that!!

Ta Ma De...

Longitude Latitude

I'm really is a dumb fella. I honestly forgotten what happened to my "slightly above average" IQ that used to belongs to me when I was in high school. Like, seriously.

All this started when I was given this coordinate in this format 3°27'34''N 101°39'45''E (just an example) when what I truly need is a longitude and latitude format for Google Map.

After much much much research and reading, I found this article in Wikipedia that explains how to calculate the whole thing!

"Each degree of longitude is sub-divided into 60 minutes, each of which is divided into 60 seconds. A longitude is thus specified in sexagesimal notation as 23° 27′ 30" E. For higher precision, the seconds are specified with a decimal fraction. An alternative representation uses degrees and minutes, where parts of a minute are expressed in decimal notation with a fraction, thus: 23° 27.500′ E. Degrees may also be expressed as a decimal fraction: 23.45833° E. For calculations, the angular measure may be converted to radians, so longitude may also be expressed in this manner as a signed fraction of π (pi), or an unsigned fraction of 2π."

Which means, in order to calculate it :-

3°27'34''N

3°27 (34 divided by 60) = 3°27.567'N

3° (27.567 divided by 60) = 3.45945°N

So if I do it the same way for the latitude it becomes :-

101°39'45''E

101°39 (45 divided by 60) = 101°39.750'E

101° (39.750 divided by 60) = 101.66250°E

And with that, I finally feel that my "intelligence" is coming back to me. I hope it doesn't run away from me anymore though! Haha!!

Paul and the White Cat

Whoever says that "Animals have a mind of their own", they are proven right yet again.

Just the other day, me and my colleagues (Paul & Reyner) were walking out from our office (which is our home as well) to Uptown for lunch. While passing through the corridor, a fat white cat was strolling right before us. As I was walking first, I ignore the cat and literally paid no attention at all to it while I passed it.

However, Paul just couldn't resist commenting "Wah! Look at the big fat cat! Surely enjoys a good life. Look at the way she strolls!". I'm pretty sure he said much more than that, but I can't really recall much except that it's all just roll down to "This bloody cat is having a good life".

Right after much of his comments and us just laughing along, the cat literally STOPPED its track right in front of Paul. With that, it proceed with a lazy stretch and gingerly cat-walk along in the slowest possible way while giving Paul a haughty look that seems to have said "Well, yeah. I'm a cat with a great life dude." He went speechless right then.

I can't help laughing out loud recalling the whole scene. Paul and the White Cat. Yeah, that should be the title of this story.

Seriously if you saw his face and the cat's expression... it's really priceless!

Business English - Lessons from Steve Jobs

An interesting read from Guy Kawasaki ;)

WHAT I LEARNED FROM STEVE JOBS
an article by Guy Kawasaki

Another unconventional Business English post. In this one we are going in for the finer words and expressions. These are not unknown to you at all, these are used in everyday English but the way these words and expressions are used make them worthwhile mentioning and labeling as part of Business English. Context, usage, style all defines the way these terms are used. NOTE: These are not necessary always important or vital words but they can hurt a great deal if your conversation is sidetracked because of them.

Oh, and not the least – this article is a summary of an extremely good lesson. Just in case you don’t know who Guy Kawasaki is: He is an Apple veteran and chief evangelist of the company (as it turns out in the article). His blog is considered one of the most influential ones on technology and close to 1 million people read each post.

THE ARTICLE (courtesy of Guy Kawasaki’s blog – ‘How to Change the World’):

Many people have explained what one can learn from Steve Jobs. But few, if any, of these people have been inside the tent and experienced first hand what it was like to work with him. I don’t want any lessons to be lost or forgotten, so here is my list of the top twelve lessons that I learned from Steve Jobs.

Experts are clueless. Experts—journalists, analysts, consultants, bankers, and gurus can’t “do” so they “advise.” They can tell you what is wrong with your product, but they cannot make a great one. They can tell you how to sell something, but they cannot sell it themselves. They can tell you how to create great teams, but they only manage a secretary. For example, the experts told us that the two biggest shortcomings of Macintosh in the mid 1980s was the lack of a daisy-wheel printer driver and Lotus 1-2-3; another advice gem from the experts was to buy Compaq. Hear what experts say, but don’t always listen to them.

Customers cannot tell you what they need.“Apple market research” is anoxymoron. The Apple focus group was the right hemisphere of Steve’s brain talking to the left one. If you ask customers what they want, they will tell you, “Better, faster, and cheaper”—that is, better sameness, not revolutionary change. They can only describe their desires in terms of what they are already using—around the time of the introduction of Macintosh, all people said they wanted was better, faster, and cheaper MS-DOS machines. The richest vein for tech startups is creating the product that you want to use—that’s what Steve andWoz did.

Jump to the next curve. Big wins happen when you go beyond better sameness. The best daisy-wheel printer companies were introducing new fonts in more sizes. Apple introduced the next curve: laser printing. Think of ice harvesters, ice factories, and refrigerator companies. Ice 1.0, 2.0, and 3.0. Are you still harvesting ice during the winter from a frozen pond?

The biggest challenges beget best work.I lived in fear that Steve would tell me that I, or my work, was crap. In public. This fear was a big challenge. Competing with IBM and then Microsoft was a big challenge. Changing the world was a big challenge. I, and Apple employees before me and after me, did their best work because we had to do our best work to meet the big challenges.

Design counts. Steve drove people nuts with his design demands—some shades of black weren’t black enough. Mere mortals think that black is black, and that a trash can is a trash can. Steve was such a perfectionist—a perfectionist Beyond: Thunderdome—and lo and behold he was right: some people care about design and many people at least sense it. Maybe not everyone, but the important ones.

You can’t go wrong with big graphics and big fonts. Take a look at Steve’s slides. The font is sixty points. There’s usually one big screenshot or graphic. Look at other tech speaker’s slides—even the ones who have seen Steve in action. The font is eight points, and there are no graphics. So many people say that Steve was the world’s greatest product introduction guy..don’t you wonder why more people don’t copy his style?

Changing your mind is a sign of intelligence. When Apple first shipped the iPhone there was no such thing as apps. Apps, Steve decreed, were a bad thing because you never know what they could be doing to your phone. Safari web apps were the way to go until six months later when Steve decided, or someone convinced Steve, that apps were the way to go—but of course. Duh! Apple came a long way in a short time from Safari web apps to “there’s an app for that.”

“Value” is different from “price. ”Woe unto you if you decide everything based on price. Even more woe unto you if you compete solely on price. Price is not all that matters—what is important, at least to some people, is value. And value takes into account training, support, and the intrinsic joy of using the best tool that’s made. It’s pretty safe to say that no one buys Apple products because of their low price.

A players hire A+ players. Actually, Steve believed that A players hire A players—that is people who are as good as they are. I refined this slightly—my theory is that A players hire people even better than themselves. It’s clear, though, that B players hire C players so they can feel superior to them, and C players hire D players. If you start hiring B players, expect what Steve called “thebozo explosion” to happen in your organization.

Real CEOs demo. Steve Jobs could demo a pod, pad, phone, and Mac two to three times a year with millions of people watching, why is it that many CEOs call upon their vice-president of engineering to do a product demo? Maybe it’s to show that there’s a team effort in play. Maybe. It’s more likely that the CEO doesn’t understand what his/her company is making well enough to explain it. How pathetic is that?

Real CEOs ship. For all his perfectionism, Steve could ship. Maybe the product wasn’t perfect every time, but it was almost always great enough to go. The lesson is that Steve wasn’t tinkering for the sake of tinkering—he had a goal: shipping and achieving worldwide domination of existing markets or creation of new markets. Apple is an engineering-centric company, not a research-centric one. Which would you rather be: Apple or Xerox PARC?

Marketing boils down to providing unique value. Think of a 2 x 2 matrix. The vertical axis measures how your product differs from the competition. The horizontal axis measures the value of your product. Bottom right: valuable but not unique—you’ll have to compete on price. Top left: unique but not valuable—you’ll own a market that doesn’t exist. Bottom left: not unique and not value—you’re a bozo. Top right: unique and valuable—this is where you make margin, money, and history. For example, the iPod was unique and valuable because it was the only way to legally, inexpensively, and easily download music from the six biggest record labels.

Bonus: Some things need to be believed to be seen. When you are jumping curves, defying/ignoring the experts, facing off against big challenges,obsessing about design, and focusing on unique value, you will need to convince people to believe in what you are doing in order to see your effortscome to fruition. People needed to believe in Macintosh to see it become real.Ditto for iPod, iPhone, and iPad. Not everyone will believe—that’s okay. But the starting point of changing the world is changing a few minds. This is the greatest lesson of all that I learned from Steve.

Read more: http://blog.guykawasaki.com/#ixzz1eJTJ428Z

New thought

Just wondering...

Should I get political in this blog or leave it in "politics-free" zone? I got the tendency to write about things aggressively, and that may not sit very well with our... ahem... SIA or government. Not that I really care... but I love my internet time and game time... doubt I'll get much of that in jail. HAHAHA!!!

Or perhaps I should write it in a more neutral note? Though that will be quite challenging, given the fact that more harm than good has been done in this country ~

Dilemma!!

Love Love Love

It's embaressing, but I ABSOLUTELY loved my blog's header!!

Can't stop staring and admiring and drooling. HAHAHAH!!

Gone crazy :D

Late

I'm late late late...

Late on my Korea's writing trip!! And I could barely recall most memories now... but there isn't any strong emotion to write it down!!

Gosh, that's annoying...

New Outlook

I've finally decided to beautify this blog...

What do you think of the changes? I'm satisfied, at least for now :) It took me hours to get the header right!!

한국, 나는 여기 왔!

Ah, yes... I'll be visiting Korea in these two days time... And I'm soooo bloody excited!! Woohoo! Of course, all those hot Korean chicks and hot Korean guys sure lift my spirit much higher! Who cares if the local people actually are much different ~ as long as I step foot in that country... it seems that all my Korea-related dreams actually come true! *smile*

But one thing I failed to do, is learning the language. Sigh, with all the things that I'm doing, it seems rather sad that I couldn't master at least several simple conversations. The only thing I could remember from all those Korean movies/dramas are:

> Oppa! Oppa!

> Sa Rang Hae

> Kamsahamnida
> Annyong haseyo

> Aniyo

> Yoboseyo?

And... that is really little... or should I say, it is way too simple for me to survive there! Luckily, I'll be heading over with a good friend and her mum (don't even start asking, what am I doing there with her mum... I'll kick you). She went for Korean class for a few months now, so hopefully, she will be a good guide (somewhat), of course... I still wouldn't trust her. She's too blur for her own good. HAHA!!

Still, wish me safe journey and happy shopping ;)

자세한 내용은 곧 한국!!

Offer IN, but yet to sign

I'm actually pretty excited today!! I've finally received my offer letter from the "transferred" company!

While I was literally jumping around earlier as it is a parellel transfer, meaning I will be receiving the same pay and such from the previous company, suddenly I find myself in doubt. Again.

No thanks to the unsettled issues from the previous clients that still remained, pretty unsettled. Which continue unnerves me up till this day. "What if these clients decide to sue my management, and my ex-boss leaves... and then they want ME to settle it?" "What if the management change their mind again, and they throw me around, AGAIN?" "What if..." "What if..." to the point it's annoying the hell out of me!!

While that has a part, I guess I'm worried about the online portal that I'm assigned to due to 1) I have no experience, 2) I'm the only one in the team, and 3) What if the management decided that they want immediate result??

Damn... Is this a woman issue? I can't stop worrying...

And oh, I will still continue to seek other option outside, which is why I'm the way I am :) Suppose to meet another party for discussion along the way as well...

Alot of choices are better than having no choice at all, right??

Loneliness Grabs Your Heart When You Are Not Prepared...

I love how the "Eat, Pray, Love" author put it, that Loneliness is actually a character that just appear and sticks to you. No matter how you tell him to back-off, he will just give you those sad eyes while silently sneaks into bed with you, despite knowing how unwelcome he is.

In fact, it does feel that way. You can be with loved ones, close friends and go crazy with whatever activities that you are doing... yet at the same time, you feel alone. This is what I hate most. I can be connected and going-out with all these people I care about, yet I still feel alone. It's sad. It's frustrating. And it's driving me nuts!

It just further drills unto me that I'm hardly a normal person. How can anyone go more complicated than what already is? I don't get it and I really hate myself. To actually feel such torn within me, it's upsetting.

When Loneliness comes knocking, I try to go out with people to make things better, but it don't for I still feel it lurking deep within me. Which is why I'm too tired to do anything anymore. I rather rot on my bed, locking myself in the room and just... stone. Like what's the point of any effort in trying to make things better when it just, doesn't get any better?

I'm still trying to solve that one thing out.

Music Heals the Soul

How often do you hears the phrase above, and did it ever make you wonder how true it could be?

At times of sadness and frustrations, I will just need to sing a few lines to myself and it will be just a matter of minutes before I feel slightly better – though of course that doesn’t mean the tears will stop flowing. It just makes me feel… less lonely actually.

There was this one occasion, which I finds very magical (if I erase or push away the logical analytical part of my brain). That one fine day I was feeling extremely down and upset, or you can say depressed. I’ve been crying my eyes out and at the same time, trying to drive while feeling all upset as it’s a working day. I went and had a few chats with different people on the phone, trying to make myself feel better but to no avail. And right after my last chat with a friend I made through a seminar, I was playing with my phone (horrible habit, have since stopped for… a week) while killing time in a jam. While my tears continue to stream down my face, I was trying to get into some game apps when suddenly I hear music in the background (I had my headphone on). It caught me by a total surprise as I was pretty certain that I did not press the music on my iPhone. While I was trying to figure what was going on, I realized the song that was playing was in fact, “Bridge over Trouble Waters”. Stunned somewhat, I just took it all in, and just keep replaying the song. It just felt although someone was telling me that “its okay” and I feel so much better already.

As much as music heals the soul, we must not forget about that hard-rock or heavy-metal style of music that gets people all aggressive and agitated. I always recall the time in college when I was feeling so pissed with everything as I’m under a huge pressure to get some assignments settled last minute, I ended just listening to heavy rock songs to get my adrenalin running and my anger was at its peak in fact. I was slamming my fingers on the keyboard in fury, scaring students that were passing by!

Or the other occasion when I was feeling alright, then when I started on all those sad love songs I ended up crying till I go to bed. That was actually pretty embarrassing, which makes me pretty happy to have the room all to myself at times like this.

So I guess we shouldn’t say music heals, instead music affects our emotional well-being so much more than words can do. Often words spoken can means so much, yet listening to it through music seems to much different.

For that, I thank all the great musicians out there and ultimately, I thank God for the blessing of a good pair of ears to enjoy my music.

A Sudden Pop of Opportunity

I was actually feeling quite certain that this is not what I want for myself. In fact, so certain that I was torn deep inside my heart; for if I choose to follow my dreams or my path I will end up hurting or disappointing my parents, yet if I follow their goodwill plan for me I end feeling miserable for not being able to pursue mine.

I know people will find me silly to go upset over such tiny matter, yet it’s a matter close to my heart because of the fear of hurting the parents and the fear that what they say will come true, that I really make a wrong choice. But definitely more about disappointing them is my biggest concern.

I ended up crying and feeling that my heart hurt so much, it could burst as I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents how exactly I’m feeling, because there just isn’t much of a word or even sentence to descript it. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t bear making myself go through yet another few years of job that I’m not passionate about.

With all that said and done, I went to work feeling quite certain that I will reject the offer as I’ll be handling the advertising sales for the mass paper itself – for it’s definitely not something that I would want. But then, surprise springs itself upon me yet again when the department head asked me whether I will be keen for the online portfolio; as it is relatively new, they need someone to put things into order. I admit it all sounded so very exciting, as they are leaving it in my hands, one inexperienced young girl – to mane the whole thing til it takes off. Sounds like a great challenge. Yet a few hours later, I found myself thinking – is this what I want, or I’m just excited that people actually placed their faith in me to get it done? Damn, another self-questioning time.

What I often worry about is that there tend to be opportunities popping up, yet it could just be some “sucky yucky” thing disguised as a great opportunity to get my interest while I allow the real opportunity to slip me by. Else I could be thinking too much.

Still, it’s only fair that I analyze further. Though they say it’s never best to over-analyze matters, but I find that it’s necessary for me to analyze it til I puke… for I rather just get stressed up now, then fed-up again in a few months down the road.

Feeling the fall

Really exhausted with all these that’s going on.

I was informed on the printing day, that it will officially be our last issue as the management decided to discuss further on how to proceed. That did not come exactly as a surprise, but it definitely way too sudden!

While I’m scrambling over my ground to find what to inform clients and agencies while awaiting the management’s black & white directive, I made a mistake by promptly telling my clients take note on possible changes – as it was apparently, it is not firmed. Yet at the same time, we were since told to give in our resignation letter for this company, only to be absorbed into the main corporation, but isn’t that a wee bit tricky? Shouldn’t the management actually come up with a letter for us all to say that we are being “absorbed” instead of asking us to give them our resignation letter?

All in all, I wasn’t too happy with how things went about but it was definitely a slap in the face to be told that I did not perform with sales in less than 3 months period – which caused the ‘possible’ closure. Of course it didn’t make much sense to me, but I guess I do matter that much to cause such drastic result, being the only sales-person left within that period.

Perhaps everything is very clear to my management but I just don’t seem to understand much is going on still. Here we are told to give in our resignation letter, the next minute I’m told that we may still continue with the company… Okay, that means they want to ‘fire’ the entire team only to start OVER AGAIN a few months later?

It’s decided. I must be really stupid because I still don’t comprehend much what is going on.

Office Days = Blues?

Well, not really though I must say, it's almost!!

Let's start with the //Blues\\

Life hasn't been exactly "beautiful" in the office with my executive leaving in less than 2 weeks, finding out that my writer will be leaving in about 1 month as well... and not to mention that my company seems to be rather "slow" in hiring with these as reasons:

- there isn't anyone suitable in the market. We only want people with experience so that we wouldn't need to train them

My response : *I rather you get new graduates as they more likely to stay than leave, especially with the current situation we are in. Lack of human resource!!

- your sales team aren't making that much to cover the expense of hiring

My response : *Dude, chicken and egg story la! You don't hire enough, how to hit target? Like, seriously?

And one of the few things that really annoys me is this, "You have not been hitting your target or getting sales in from the time you are here. It's been 2 months now, it's not a short period nor long. But I'm expecting from you, 'cos you are a smart lad."

Okay, thanks for the 'smart' part, but seriously... 2 months is not a short period? Okay, too many internal things that affect my performance which I wouldn't state, but I do feel it's unfair somewhat. Which do makes me go *hair-pulling, teeth-grinding* at times!!!

Now to the **~*beautiful*~** part

I do have freedom of time in my hand. The best one that I love best is, I can be late for work... like 10am or straight to appointment and such... and work with my laptop outside the office!! That's because sometimes it's really inconvenient for me to head back to office. If I'm out in Damansara Uptown, it will take me 20mins to get back, which isn't that much of a time-efficient matter indeed. Of course, of course, I do work late occasionally in office as well!

Though no doubt that it can be really crazy, where I had a few occasions work til 2-3am for a few days in a row at home because there just too much to be done. Once it's settled, I'm free and slouched again.

Ultimately, it's only the freedom of time that I really love about this.

In the end ~

I decided that I will continue in this job. Just do my best without risking my health (you have no idea how I can get sick, like ultimate sick once two weeks!) and take the flow as it goes.

It's my job, but at the end of the day... as long as I'm paid and I'm happy as happy goes... why not?

PS: Advertising line indeed is one of the most stressful job ever!!

I think I am 'Complicated'

I HATE to admit that, seriously. Because that meant, I am just like most others, whose life led by complications.

However, I must say WE are the one who makes our life complicated.

I mean, look at me. I have fabulous family & friends who stood by me during hail, storm, sunny or whatever weather it could be, yet at times I can't help but feel lonely. It is such a contradictions that I just feel like kicking my nuts (unfortunately, I don't have any) and say "Buck up! You are better off than anybody already!"

Then in relationships, I've been through especially ONE horrible experience where I knew that something was amiss with that dude, yet I still allow him into my life & mess it all up. Yes, I "allowed" it. Despite the fact that I hate him & loathe him for making my life a mess, I knew that I am the one who given him that chance to break me. Even now, I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I still fear him and at the same time, feeling a huge urge to MURDER him. Yet I worry that by saying it aloud, I'm giving him that power over me. I detest that.

Ultimately, I hate myself for being stupid, fat, incapable, selfish, sensitive, ugly and all. I know that I'm not as bad as all that I mentioned, but I just can't help it at times, to feel so worthless. And that make me hate myself more. Because I feel that I do not appreciate myself. And if I don't, how others will?

See my contradictions? I know so much about me, yet I failed to do anything towards 'repairing' myself. I just go to a point where I can't stand myself.

Negativity? Too much, which in turns causes me to hate myself for being like that more.

Positivity? Please don't be mistaken. I am a positive person too. But often, I'm positive for others more than I could even be for myself. I can say "It's alright. Things will be okay" to all my loved ones, yet I always say "You idiot! How can you allow that to happen!" when I can't help certain situations that turned bad.

Sometimes, it is so complicated with all those fights over my head and my heart, that I just feel like hitting my head hard on the wall and say "Stop this nonsense. Stop Stop Stop."

So yes, I'm too darned complicated. Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself, for turning out this way. Sometimes I feel like crying, b'cos I can't understand anything. Sometimes I felt the anger, b'cos I feel powerless over myself.

I just want all this to end. And I know it starts from within. And I'm still searching. I just hope that when I find it, it wouldn't be too late.

YOU spin my head right round right round ~

Yeap! My head has been on a spinning spin for like, since last Sunday. It's annoying me to no end, given that its comes so sudden, that sometimes I lose my balance or I just lose my focus.

Scare my doc too. He was worried that it could be tumor related, in extreme cases anyway. Blurred vision can be a serious thing, especially when it occurs as sudden & frequent as it did.

Nonetheless, after checking with SJMC, it just turned out to be something known as "vertigo". It's related to fluids imbalance in the ears, which causes dizziness and such. Of course, the doctor did mention to try out this, if it got worse, then I may actually need a brain scan. The terror!

Still, at least this is nothing. That is something relieving. After all, I did have a breast cancer scare a few years back, luckily it ended up as fibroid growth. Can't exactly blame me and my family for being so panicky, as both side of our family have history of cancer growth.

I just have to control my movement, to ensure no sudden action from me to trigger this dizziness else it be a real bother, since I'm driving on the road like 80% of the time for my job. Means, I can't be as hyper as I usually am :( Sad thing, really.

First Day at work!!

I woke up telling myself that I'll be having a great day, and I did! :)

Though I must say alot of things seems very messy to me at this point, I genuinely hope that I'll be able to steer to the right direction for the team.

I was happy to see that the whole team from editorial to sales to marketing and circulation are working closely together. Perhaps small team do make a difference in communications itself.

Of course, I do have my own agenda. I've been drafting my "kiasu-ness" plan from the moment I say I join. Like what company to target, how much target I'm setting for myself (despite there is a specific target set by the company) and the type of events I could organize :3 Heh! It do seem fun!

Job Interviews

For the past whole week, I have been attending numerous interviews and such. It is pretty... tiring. Imagine this, 2-3 interviews in a day, and all different locations. From PJ to KL and forth. Travelling in Msia via car, isn't cheap (though I will never get into public transport these days. Too unsafe and packed, and too many foreigners) but it is the best option.

So anyway, job interviews. I got a few bad ones, and definitely some good ones.

There are several occasions or interviews, where these interviewers project a rather cocky or should say, too proud of themselves - kind of image. I can understand certain type of questions that they asked, but what I found personally VERY annoying is the fact that, they stepped on you with some words, and such. One particular one that I remember is this "This XXX company is quite a good company, why did you leave?" (of course, with the rather skeptical questionable and finger-pointing look) - firstly, I should have asked him back, "Why did you say it's a good one? Have you worked there before?" because there were so many red tapes and issues unsolved in this one, which in the end prevent me from developing myself and my job, which I find very unnerving because I feel that when I am paid, I need to perform in one way or another.

Besides, I'm here APPLYING for a job, I'm NOT BEGGING for it. End of the day when you decide that I'm the right person, I will make the FINAL call on whether to work with you.

Or there were this company who just say things and ended it in 15mins? Oh well, kinda expected since it's a Cobra Group. It's funny that I still went ahead with this interview, but there are just too many new names for Cobra Group these days.

And good ones are generally those who are openly asking questions on why I take certain actions, and what I'm seeking. Or even that nice manager from Malaysian Today, who end up telling and teaching me certain things. I can't help but agree with him on a number of matters, and thankful that he opened up my mind on certain things. And even another CEO in particular, is more interested in the person I am than the experience I had on certain fields. I am thankful for that.

It just makes me frustrated to think that many companies are questioning my reasons for leaving certain quarters, when I claimed that I enjoyed my job. What I can't tell them is how one job in particular, changed me into a very skeptical person when it comes to dealing with managers in particular. Occasionally I found myself recalling my times in my first job. I enjoyed the tasks given to me. Though I'm busy but I loved the fact that I'm multi-tasking, handling matters from sales, events to creatives. However, it proved to be quite an issue when it comes to dealing with my manager. It's not like that she's a horrible manager, or a bad person. But it just happened that the way she micro-handled me (no doubt, this actually was her advantage at her job, b'cos of her micro-sight she often never miss any little details that may prove to be important), and my stubbornness, end up making us loathe the sight of each other at some point.

But it went beyond that for me. I literally quite HATED her, onto a very personal level. It doesn't help that she put me in a depression mode for more than a year. I turned into a moody person, refuse to talk much to my family and friends, or when I do talk and once it touched on work topic, I get very frustrated and angry and I will start tearing up. Or those few times when I dreaded the time she will call my name in the office, not that it ever a bad thing, but I just get very worried if she starts finding faults with me - which leads me to HATE the sound of people calling my name. And because she is just seated in an open cubicle next to me (there's a partition), I am extremely sensitive to the sound of her chair. When she stood up, I waited with fear that my name will be called upon once I heard those "squeak" sound her chair made. It goes to a point that I had nightmares almost every night related to her, where it could be a scene that she screwed me in meeting, in front of everyone or she'll be screaming at me over the proposals I gave her. It causes me to be very much sleep-deprived and emotional. I can't recall the amount of times that I end up crying in the office toilet after she decided to "have a word" with me, whether or not it related to me. There are just occasions where I find her screaming at me, over things that is not caused by me but by other colleagues, or it's just her foul mood. Or even when I'm out of the office, there are several occasions she made me rushed back to settle some small matters which could be left til I come back later, or only to tell me "It's nothing actually" when I rushed from another appointment to the office. It goes to the point that I actually assigned a very emotional (actually it suppose to be funny) ringtone to her contact on my phone, and whenever my phone rang with that tone, I ended up crying or just want to jump over the cliff and die. I didn't know till now especially, how suicidal I was back then, till another close friend (who was my colleague then) told me that she didn't realized the extend of my emotional wreck till she re-use her old phone, all my old SMS-es to her were still stored. Almost every SMS contain the meanings that I wanted to end my life then and there.

All I can say is, that that is certainly one of the important things I think about whenever a job prospect comes along. Ultimately, I just want to have a healthy mind and life, so getting the right job with the right environment is very important to me. Alot of people look at the money part, as important as money is, but if you felt so bad on the job, it will not last still. At least that is that for me, I'm sure others will have their own opinion on that.