Offer IN, but yet to sign

I'm actually pretty excited today!! I've finally received my offer letter from the "transferred" company!

While I was literally jumping around earlier as it is a parellel transfer, meaning I will be receiving the same pay and such from the previous company, suddenly I find myself in doubt. Again.

No thanks to the unsettled issues from the previous clients that still remained, pretty unsettled. Which continue unnerves me up till this day. "What if these clients decide to sue my management, and my ex-boss leaves... and then they want ME to settle it?" "What if the management change their mind again, and they throw me around, AGAIN?" "What if..." "What if..." to the point it's annoying the hell out of me!!

While that has a part, I guess I'm worried about the online portal that I'm assigned to due to 1) I have no experience, 2) I'm the only one in the team, and 3) What if the management decided that they want immediate result??

Damn... Is this a woman issue? I can't stop worrying...

And oh, I will still continue to seek other option outside, which is why I'm the way I am :) Suppose to meet another party for discussion along the way as well...

Alot of choices are better than having no choice at all, right??

Loneliness Grabs Your Heart When You Are Not Prepared...

I love how the "Eat, Pray, Love" author put it, that Loneliness is actually a character that just appear and sticks to you. No matter how you tell him to back-off, he will just give you those sad eyes while silently sneaks into bed with you, despite knowing how unwelcome he is.

In fact, it does feel that way. You can be with loved ones, close friends and go crazy with whatever activities that you are doing... yet at the same time, you feel alone. This is what I hate most. I can be connected and going-out with all these people I care about, yet I still feel alone. It's sad. It's frustrating. And it's driving me nuts!

It just further drills unto me that I'm hardly a normal person. How can anyone go more complicated than what already is? I don't get it and I really hate myself. To actually feel such torn within me, it's upsetting.

When Loneliness comes knocking, I try to go out with people to make things better, but it don't for I still feel it lurking deep within me. Which is why I'm too tired to do anything anymore. I rather rot on my bed, locking myself in the room and just... stone. Like what's the point of any effort in trying to make things better when it just, doesn't get any better?

I'm still trying to solve that one thing out.

Music Heals the Soul

How often do you hears the phrase above, and did it ever make you wonder how true it could be?

At times of sadness and frustrations, I will just need to sing a few lines to myself and it will be just a matter of minutes before I feel slightly better – though of course that doesn’t mean the tears will stop flowing. It just makes me feel… less lonely actually.

There was this one occasion, which I finds very magical (if I erase or push away the logical analytical part of my brain). That one fine day I was feeling extremely down and upset, or you can say depressed. I’ve been crying my eyes out and at the same time, trying to drive while feeling all upset as it’s a working day. I went and had a few chats with different people on the phone, trying to make myself feel better but to no avail. And right after my last chat with a friend I made through a seminar, I was playing with my phone (horrible habit, have since stopped for… a week) while killing time in a jam. While my tears continue to stream down my face, I was trying to get into some game apps when suddenly I hear music in the background (I had my headphone on). It caught me by a total surprise as I was pretty certain that I did not press the music on my iPhone. While I was trying to figure what was going on, I realized the song that was playing was in fact, “Bridge over Trouble Waters”. Stunned somewhat, I just took it all in, and just keep replaying the song. It just felt although someone was telling me that “its okay” and I feel so much better already.

As much as music heals the soul, we must not forget about that hard-rock or heavy-metal style of music that gets people all aggressive and agitated. I always recall the time in college when I was feeling so pissed with everything as I’m under a huge pressure to get some assignments settled last minute, I ended just listening to heavy rock songs to get my adrenalin running and my anger was at its peak in fact. I was slamming my fingers on the keyboard in fury, scaring students that were passing by!

Or the other occasion when I was feeling alright, then when I started on all those sad love songs I ended up crying till I go to bed. That was actually pretty embarrassing, which makes me pretty happy to have the room all to myself at times like this.

So I guess we shouldn’t say music heals, instead music affects our emotional well-being so much more than words can do. Often words spoken can means so much, yet listening to it through music seems to much different.

For that, I thank all the great musicians out there and ultimately, I thank God for the blessing of a good pair of ears to enjoy my music.

A Sudden Pop of Opportunity

I was actually feeling quite certain that this is not what I want for myself. In fact, so certain that I was torn deep inside my heart; for if I choose to follow my dreams or my path I will end up hurting or disappointing my parents, yet if I follow their goodwill plan for me I end feeling miserable for not being able to pursue mine.

I know people will find me silly to go upset over such tiny matter, yet it’s a matter close to my heart because of the fear of hurting the parents and the fear that what they say will come true, that I really make a wrong choice. But definitely more about disappointing them is my biggest concern.

I ended up crying and feeling that my heart hurt so much, it could burst as I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents how exactly I’m feeling, because there just isn’t much of a word or even sentence to descript it. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t bear making myself go through yet another few years of job that I’m not passionate about.

With all that said and done, I went to work feeling quite certain that I will reject the offer as I’ll be handling the advertising sales for the mass paper itself – for it’s definitely not something that I would want. But then, surprise springs itself upon me yet again when the department head asked me whether I will be keen for the online portfolio; as it is relatively new, they need someone to put things into order. I admit it all sounded so very exciting, as they are leaving it in my hands, one inexperienced young girl – to mane the whole thing til it takes off. Sounds like a great challenge. Yet a few hours later, I found myself thinking – is this what I want, or I’m just excited that people actually placed their faith in me to get it done? Damn, another self-questioning time.

What I often worry about is that there tend to be opportunities popping up, yet it could just be some “sucky yucky” thing disguised as a great opportunity to get my interest while I allow the real opportunity to slip me by. Else I could be thinking too much.

Still, it’s only fair that I analyze further. Though they say it’s never best to over-analyze matters, but I find that it’s necessary for me to analyze it til I puke… for I rather just get stressed up now, then fed-up again in a few months down the road.