My Bruce Boy

Beloved Bruce has left us yesterday. It was sad, but I know it's better. Cos the last I saw him, he wasn't able to walk, nor eat, nor drink on his own. He wasn't able to control his pee and poo. His eyes were filled with boogers that he wasn't able to open properly unless we clean em up.

It breaks my heart. It does.

Met with my mum yesterday, and she filled me in on the details.

3 days back, she got the vet to give him a jab, to see if we are able to save his life. Vet said, "In this 2 days, it's either he lived, or not."

2 days back, my mum asked the maid to pull him out of the cage and let him rest under the sun. He, after all, loved his sun-bathing. When she called him, he has the strength to pull his head up and looked at her. When she asked, "Are you doing better today, dear?" He reacted by pulling his head down, away from her - as in saying, no ma'am. As sad as she was, seeing his deteriorating self, mum went with the maid to take their turns to dig a hole to bury him. She knew, it's anytime soon. My dad just returned from overseas then too. He went and spoke to him. We can see he was listening. Later at night, my dad went out to gather with his friends, because it will be his birthday in a couple of hours. Mum said that Bruce was crying throughout the night. Very likely because he was in great pain. It went on till 3am. Then my dad reached home, the moment he opened the house door, mum could hear Bruce giving one last loud breath before he was gone for good.

The next morning, none of the dogs made a sound. It's although they knew what was going on. Not a single bark from them, and we didn't even need to order them to return to their cage once they have done their business. All just move on their own. Lizzy was devastated for sure. She is his partner in games and all. They spent all their time together. When we let her out her cage, she went straight into his, laid down, turned her back towards us and faced the wall. She didn't budge. She didn't even want to eat her food. She needs to mourn the loss, her way.

And it wasn't much later I realized, the same night around 2am or 3am, I don't know for sure. I was jolted awake for no reason. I only felt uncomfortable. I couldn't sleep till 30minutes to an hour later. I'm not sure if I knew, deep inside, he has left. Or it's just a coincidence.

I cried days before when I knew he is to leave. I cried again when he has left. Losing a pet is never easy. Memories of him joining the family as a puppy, his silliness, antics, and forever with his puppy eyes even when he's old, always wanting more pets, more love.

My gentle giant, Bruce, we love you. May heaven be your dream comes true. With running space, treats. Be kind to your 3 older friends who left before you.

A New Beginning - or more like another phase of life!

I didn't realized it been so long! In another 3 months, it will hit 2 years that I last written anything. Either shows how busy I've been with work, life or I've just been damn lazy. Heh!

It has been hectic, from moving to my own place - to prepping myself for the wedding. And yes, you read that right! JACKIE IS GETTING MARRIED!!

Happy Family!! 

I always find something to giggle about. LOL

Well technically and by law, I'm "married" since last year on Feb 13 as I've signed the papers then and there. However, you know the Chinese. We are not married unless we go through the ceremony. Well, that's what our parents say. Haha!

So wedding is coming in December - limited invitations due to space, and basically, child marriage is more for the parents to invite relatives and friends to inform of the wedding, not much for the kids to have fun themselves. So those invited, come and bring crazy fun - those that are not, fret not, we will meet soon! We ain't letting any wedding to tear us apart. But usually, work and crazy life schedules does. Ahem.

With that said, Jackie is hitched! And will be back, when I'm back. Woohoo!!

In Loving Memory of Brenda Marie De José

I met Brenda years back, when I was part of a self-development seminar - that I attended by pure chance. As I was short-listed in an interview for a coaching company, attending this seminar was part of the process. Little did I know that I would have meet some great people, and made some good friends along the way.

Brenda was one of the two coaches, working alongside Robert Chaen. Both of them have the most dynamic personalities, and their honest nature make it easy for many of us to open ourselves to them. The non-judging environment and just being able to share the hurt hidden deep inside, helped many of us to heal - and continue to heal.

Brenda is a no-nonsense type of person, who say just what she needed to say without sugar-coating her words. She will not say things to hurt, rather wanting one to change for the better with honest feedback. She is sensitive to everyone's needs, and cares deeply to those she just met. Her heart and soul so deep, it is hard not to love her.

She is so amazing with the words she say to each person, as every word spoken rings to heart and soul. She just has that ability to touch people's soul. The words that she has said and written to me, still rings as a conscious reminder to love myself and everyone around me more. 

While her early demise has shattered many, memories of her and her loves still lives on. Perhaps she has a more important role now, to be an angel to touch many more.


To learn more about her:
http://chaenbrenda.wordpress.com/

*******************************

**Here are some of the pictures of the seminar, our outings and gatherings**

The Issue of Self-Harm

I really need to do some clarifications here. Families and friends are getting worried with my revelation of self-harm issue and have been approaching me. Yes, I have a tendency to have suicide-thoughts and harming myself in the process. Of course, there are some people who says it's attention-seeking behavior (which I will deny, I get attention no matter what I do and getting attention on this issue, is just not me) and tonnes of other things. Though when I think of it deeper, I did find myself questioning, "Did I really do this for attention?". After much thought, I decided that 'attention-seeking' is indeed part of the subconscious want of it, despite my conscious self deny it strongly.

Honestly, I have long since accepted this dark side of me that craves to hurt myself or to just die and let go of life itself. I have never given much thought on this side of me till mid-last year, where I took part of a seminar in the name of work. It made me realizes that I actually do fear that I will really get myself killed one-day, and that somewhat forces me to look deeper into my subconscious.

Funnily, it all started when I was 7 or 8 years old. I remembered that I was extremely upset about something and it prompted me to write a suicide letter in my notebook. I didn't do anything then. But over the years, I done many different things to kill myself which only ends with hilarious results (even I made myself speechless and laughed about it whenever I thought of it).

There was this time where I close all windows and doors in the kitchen I use cloth to cover each and any openings, then leave the gas on (all while at the same time praying no one will press the doorbell as I didn't want an explosion). Within 30 minutes, I got so fed-up of waiting for myself to die that I close the gas and open all windows and doors to let the air out. Then I went back to the TV to ease my boredom.

Another occasion, I opened the railing and window of my room and climbed on. While I was preparing to jump, the logic side of the brain kicks in. "My room is only ONE floor high. If I jumped off and only ends up with some bruises and scars, I will have to get back in the house through the front gate. And mum is downstairs." So I got off, close the window and went back to my study.

I too forced myself to swallowed a dozen over Panadols before sleep one day only to ends up with major headaches for the next few days. I totally avoid Panadol since then, unless I'm having major illness.

While I was renting room in college days, my bed on the upper deck is just next to the ceiling fan. If I stretch myself far out enough, I definitely be able to touch it. In more than one occasion, I had this strong curiosity of wanting to touch the fan while it was spinning - just so to see what would happen. But the thought of splattered blood, pain and possibly losing my hand while still being alive as well scarring my poor roommate for life stops me. Then I will fall fast asleep.

Once, I was way prepared to crash my car but the monetary side said, "The car is worth more than RM50,000 and when you die, your funeral will cost as much. Better keep the car for its value to pay for your death." So I stopped myself once again.

And of course, you guys know the part where I slit my wrist more than thrice and all. For the record, I KNOW that I can't die from the blood lost from the wrist. Unless I cut some major arteries, which is not possible as I don't slit that hard. Also, there are 5 stages of blood lost trauma which so far I've only experienced the first stage. In order to die, you need to reach the fourth or the last stage. So, if anyone you know tried to suicide with wrist slitting attempt, there are only two explanations to it. Either they don't know how to cut themselves the right way OR they just want attention and calling for help.

I could still bloody go on, but even I'm bored of writing my attempts. I noticed that whenever I have an emotional outbursts or something happened that caused me to be extremely unhappy about life, I will attempt whatever possible. I consider it as my weakness of being unable to face life as it is. It's a mental issue in its very own way. I've considered and tried to find some help by trying to located local psychiatrist (with no luck). Though I do consider myself lucky, in the sense that I know that it is a problem that need fixing. I believe that when one realized there is an issue and do something about it, even if it can't be resolved, it can at the very least be controlled.

The Battle

Dragonlance spoke of a battle

That rages on within Steel Brightblade

Tore him apart with that of

Light by his father, Sturm Brightblade

And darkness by his mother, Kitiara Majere.

A battle within that fought for his choice

And those of his parents guidance.

A battle we all know too well

Even in our own life shells.

Each of us knows what’s within,

And yet at the same time we hears

Other voices guiding us to a path,

A path that we longed for deep within.

Sometimes these voices helps,

Sometimes these voices breaks,

Whether with good or dark intents we could never tell.

We fought to hear it,

We tried hard to listen,

But often this voice deep within

Is lost among the noises outside.

Sometimes you find it,

Sometimes you don’t.

Along the way you notice

That you have given up looking

‘Cos it doesn’t matter anymore.

Torn we are like Steel Brightblade

A battle to listen to ourselves

And those to listen to our parents.

Of course not all parents mean harm to their child

Just sometimes it is unintentional

Done to protect the child

That they have brought into this world.

I was told it’s easy

For it is never hard to listen

And do what you need to do

For the pain caused will not be long

Once they see how you succeed.

But I find it hard to do

“Easier said than done” rings in my mind

My spirit crumbles

Torn into little pieces trying to find the path

The path that will lead the heart

To where it has always longed to go.

Oh how I wish and pray and hope

But I know that deep inside

This battle will never truly end

All I ever need now is to be like Steel Brightblade

He who found his side of the battle

Fought for that of his believe

That is one man I truly respect

Even though he’s born of fiction itself.

Tears of a Lost Child

She looked to her left,

Then she looked to her right.

Her fears rise up,

From her stomach to her chest,

And soon her panic hits her mind.

Her breath quicken,

Her heart-beats tripled,

Her sight became a blur,

And within seconds the dam overflows.

Frighten like a lost kitten,

Frighten like a rat caught in a trap.

Tears that started flowing

Just wouldn’t stop pouring,

Despite her silent plea,

It just kept going.

This poor child is lost,

Lost in the streets,

There were turnings to her left and right,

And even some roads to the front and back.

Yet here she stands crying,

For the lost she felt

Seems more than that of a child,

A child who lost her way in the crowd.

Her teary eyes cry silently for help,

For she tried to speak but only sobs came out.

Thus she pleads for help from a passing man,

Who notice nothings but what he will gains

Without looking at her, he said

“Fault not on me for not helping,

Fault on you for not knowing.”

She passes several more on their way

They too said the very same thing,

Telling her that it’s merely her fate

To lost her way the way she did.

With a heavy heart and a wavering strength,

She ventured on the route ahead.

She saw her loved ones at one end,

Laughing and crying at the same time

With worry lines etched unto their faces,

She knew in her broken heart

She causes them pain more than they can admit.

Unable to take the scene no more,

This teary child stumbles on.

With tears clouding her way,

She hears her companions asking around

On the path ahead and the choices they had

With courage and strength they went on ahead.

She smiled upon hearing them

Her heart silently prayed for them on their journey,

For even if she lost hers

She wouldn’t want them to lose theirs.

She lifts her feet

One ahead of another,

Threw her head back

And look toward the heavens,

Taking a deep breath

Over the passing breeze.

The tears has stopped

The heart has slowed,

She smiled knowing she has found her way.

A way which may have caused a lot of tears,

Yet she knows tears too will give way to smiles.

This lost child who has cried too many

Of tears for herself and those around her,

Her tears has stopped and though she smiled,

She knew her way will causes many to tears

But she knew these tears will not be forever.

After all, a lost child who has cried along this painful way,

Has found her way to stop her tears,

Tears has given way to smiles

For this lost child has found her way

To stop the tears from ever coming back again.

"Why I Told My Daughter to Quit Her Job" by Holly Robinson

My daughter called me last night to celebrate her news. "I got the job!" she said. "I'm going to be decorating cupcakes!"

I cheered. My daughter earned an honors degree in Natural Resources from a major university this past May. This is the happiest I've heard her sound in months.

You think that you know where this blog post is going: oh, no, another parent bemoaning the fact that our nation's newly minted college graduates can't find decent jobs! And why wouldn't you think that? New books like Slouching Toward Adulthood: Observations from the Not-So-Empty Nest are rolling off the presses daily to explain the "shocking truth" behind the fact that 5.9 million people between the ages of 25 and 35 are now living with their parents.

But you would be wrong. This is a very different rant.

My daughter is the poster child for why college matters. She went to a decent suburban high school, finished in the top quarter of her class, played varsity sports. Attending a state university allowed her to continue expanding her intellectual and social horizons. She worked closely with researchers in Natural Resources, learned Spanish, studied and worked abroad, explored electives that enriched her perspective. She continually added to her resume, too, always building toward her post-graduation dream of working as a scientist.

She did everything right, and lo and behold, the system worked. She landed a job with a West Coast environmental engineering company that paid her more money than she had ever dreamed of making right out of college. Hurray!

Slowly, though, things unraveled. My daughter loved living near San Francisco, but even on her hefty salary, she could only afford an apartment in a dire section of Oakland, which led to her being caught in the middle of a mini gang shootout. (She has a nasty bullet wound on her car to prove it.) Meanwhile, her spiffy new job bored her, and her bosses were often negative, even mean-spirited.

For months, she stuck it out. Her student loans were about to kick in and this job paid double what any of her friends were making, plus benefits. As time passed, though, my sunny girl grew more despondent. Every day, she dragged herself into work. And, every day, things didn't get better.

She started looking for work. In California, the unemployment rate is dire -- 11.3 percent, compared to 8.6 percent nationwide as of November 2011. One of her job interviews for a coffee company required four different interviews, plus test taking. My daughter got the job and was thrilled, especially because the position includes health benefits. But the pay was abysmal: minimum wage.

Did she really want to leave her posh job for minimum wage? How could she -- a driven student, a hard worker, a young woman who had always set goals and reached them -- possibly justify making that leap?

There wasn't any rational reason for her to quit. But there was every emotional reason to do so.

"Life is too short to be miserable for money," I told her finally. "Just quit. Take the barista job and figure out something else while you're making lattes."

I can hear the gasps of horror from most parents out there. How could I advise my daughter to join the ranks of the marginally employed, after our family invested so much into her college degree?

Easily. College, you see, is not really about preparing you for the job market. It's about gaining the knowledge and skills you need to seize opportunities -- and that includes knowing when to walk away from something that makes you unhappy.

There's a lot of talk these days -- well, all days, I suppose -- about what good it is to get a liberal arts degree, what majors are most likely to lead to the best-paid and most stable careers, and the importance of building your resume while you're in school so that you have an edge when it's time to enter the almighty job race.

That's all true, mostly. Obviously, you have to eat. But maybe the goal of college shouldn't be so closely linked to employment. Actual life isn't that different from the game of Life, in the sense that there's a point where at the start we all have to choose the college path or the career path. You can earn the same money either way, and the same good (or bad) spins on the dial can send you into a tailspin of debt or misery: illness, accidents, divorce, tornadoes taking your house. College is no guarantee that you'll be rich, or even middle class. In fact, there are some arguments that suggest technical training is a better bang for the buck.

(A handy example: my younger brother never finished his four-year college degree, yet he makes ten times more money than my other brother and I do, and we both have master's degrees.)

College, if you're lucky enough to get there, is really about figuring out your friends and your values as well as your dreams for the future. Nobody -- well, almost nobody -- finds a top-paying position right out of college. Most of us have to pay our dues and climb a dozen different career ladders before we find one that has rungs we can reach -- and a place at the top with a view that suits us. If you land that seemingly "perfect" job with a salary worth boasting about, but then you hate it and are afraid to quit, your wings are clipped. That "safe" job will kill your creativity, drown your enthusiasm, and smother your ability to get up in the morning with a bounce in your step. Why stay?

The answer most people give is "fear." We've all heard the unemployment statistics.

But let's turn those around. The unemployment rate is high -- even upwards of 12 percent in certain U.S. cities. But that means that 88 percent of people have jobs. Can they make a living on their wages? That depends on how you define a "living." Maybe you don't need a new car, or a car at all. Maybe you can find a seasonal rental or roommates.

Jobs are like college courses. Each one you take teaches you a set of new skills and offers a fresh perspective on life. They aren't meant to be permanent, most of them. They are only stepping stones.

In my daughter's case, the barista job led her to have enough free hours to do what she really loves: draw comics. She's thinking about publishing her comics online. In her free time, she also happened to stop by a new gourmet cupcake store, where she chatted with the enthusiastic owner and was hired to decorate cupcakes and work the counter. Again, it's not much money, but combined with the coffee place, it's enough for her to scrape by. Meanwhile, she has moved out of Oakland and into an affordable room in a house near the beach in Santa Cruz. She's happily experimenting with cupcake flavors and thinking about helping this new business owner with social media and marketing. She is learning something new every day. Life is good.

When you quit a job, any job, it can be terrifying. But it's also exhilarating, as you open yourself to new possibilities. So go ahead. Take the risk. Quit that job, if you hate it. You might surprise yourself. -

The moment I read this article, it's although it's speaking of my life. Many things resonates what I've went through.

My first job is with a well-known media company, with really decent for those newly graduates with good benefits. I was happy in the beginning. I enjoyed my job tremendously. Always going-out of my way to hit my targets, to get things down. Then things went downhill, with the company's culture as well as my relationship with my manager. One thing led to another, being extremely unhappy, I rant to my parents saying I want to quit. They advised me against it, like any parents will. I stick-on for more than a year. Family and friends saw me changes from a bubbly happy girl to a conscious, careful and quiet person. Every morning, I cried myself awake and drag myself to work. If I just feel a little unwell, I'll take the excuse to see the doctor and get a leave. Everyday at work, I sent SMS-es to my colleagues that "I want to die" whenever issues surface. Every night, I'll just lock myself in my room and cry myself to sleep. It was pretty bad, I was depressed with life. Can you imagine how silly, that I wanted to kill myself over work? And finally, instead of asking my parents' opinion, I just told them that I am quitting this job. I don't need advice anymore. I just can't stand living my life that way. And I went to another lower-paying job. From then, I could not stick to any job in particular for more than 6-months! I realized my attitudes causes it, one way or another, and also, because I just want to "eliminate" things that I don't want from my life. Whenever I realized what's wrong and there's nothing that I could do to change things, I just packed and leave. Those who are reading this will definitely say that I lack of perseverance. Which is true, I agree. Yet I will tell you that, it's also because I know that there are more to life than just sticking your gut in something, to just pay bills. I'm very lucky, privilege. I know. Then again, I'm young and single with not much worry for life, if I do not take my chances now, when shall I start taking a leap of faith? When I'm 30s and above? When I'm married, with children? When I own a house and need to pay bills and more bills? I rather take my chance now, than later.

**I'm sorry that this post turned out, rather awful looking. I have no idea how to remove the white thingy! Just bear it!

Age is catching up!

I've been meaning to write blogs for days! And just earlier today, I happened to have several ideas of topics to embrace... and well well well, now that I'm right in front of this bloody laptop, all the topics slipped out of my mind. I've been thinking and scratching my head for the past 15minutes or more, but nope... so such luck.

Is this what they call "aging"? Man... I'm not even 30 yet! (Though I must say, I looked like I'm 30s and preggy when I worked in Star with all the mental stress going on, that is one sad case!). Unlike my baby sister, I know nothing or do nothing in eating nutrients or vitamins or food that helps to protect the memory or brain.

It went from bad to worse lately, when I kept grabbing the wrong things and leaving them behind when I suppose to bring it along, or literally forgets that I did anything at all! It seems as though I'm competing to be the youngest affected Parkinson's disease patient!

I do actually have a book that teaches on "how to protect your brain as you age", hardly read much into it, yet. Though the first few pages actually mention things like watch the diet and also, exercise. Exercise helps alot in keeping the brain active. And exercise is ONE damn thing that I lack. I can't seem to find any particular exercise that makes me wanna, go "Yeee haww!" or literally kills to do it. Except, of course, back in TBS with Sky Adventure gang. That's like a totally different thing. I stopped joining them for badminton for it just ends, too late for me. I like to sleep early for one.

So jogging, is a must try, to persist. I tried times and end up just giving up and rather to just, sleep in. That's quite a disappointment to myself. Which causes me to consider to go for hypnosis therapy, perhaps it may help to boost my subconscious and, in the end help my conscious! Though I can hardly find any reliable source in Malaysia, even when I read it in the papers several times... I can't find the contact anymore.

Anyone, can... help?

New Goals!

Honestly, I was worried the first few weeks. It kinda drove me to a corner. Things happened. Things said. Things discussed. So you can pretty imagine how this really cracking my brain up.

Frustrations indeed, was running high then. Together with doubts, confrontations, lies...

I end up asking the Lord, what has he plan for me this round again. (Okay, I'm a Buddhist who believe that Buddha is a greater human being who achieve enlightenment who guide us to the right path and he's not a God - and nor I embrace Christianity as I do not agree with certain things they preach = Thus I'm a person who believe in that ONE LORD, for I know he is there in any form as long as we believe in him. I don't believe that one have to embrace any religion just to know him. We all know him since our birth). So I asked him this, "Please guide me. I have made up my mind, but I really need to be sure, in my heart that it is the right thing to do. Please show me guidance, Lord." Simple words, and it made me feel much better. After making my decision, I just need to take a step at a time while noticing my surrounding. No longer do I need to get all stressed-up. And things go by so smoothly, I almost can't believe it's my life!

With that said, it is with my pleasure to announce that I'll be doing part-time with my current company while helping Dad out with his new business venture :) Going back home is great, really miss the atmosphere (it is not easy to stay and work with colleagues/housemates as there seriously no working hours - drives me nuts! *PS: Do not mean I dislike them, but I need personal space too) but it makes me lazy much easier as well. Means I gotta figure some schedule out!

Along the way, there are several things to handle as well :) It all seems like alot, but I'm quite excited. At least it's something to call my own!

So here it goes, a great Dragon year it will be :) Screw the predictions thingy...

Online Business

The more I think about it, the more certain is my feelings.

I'll source for the necessary distributors for accessories and clothing for me to work on :) I know that the market is quite saturated, but my main intention isn't about money, it's about giving people a chance to buy lovely and quality items! I had enough with poor products sold in shops and online alike! We deserve better!

Offer IN, but yet to sign

I'm actually pretty excited today!! I've finally received my offer letter from the "transferred" company!

While I was literally jumping around earlier as it is a parellel transfer, meaning I will be receiving the same pay and such from the previous company, suddenly I find myself in doubt. Again.

No thanks to the unsettled issues from the previous clients that still remained, pretty unsettled. Which continue unnerves me up till this day. "What if these clients decide to sue my management, and my ex-boss leaves... and then they want ME to settle it?" "What if the management change their mind again, and they throw me around, AGAIN?" "What if..." "What if..." to the point it's annoying the hell out of me!!

While that has a part, I guess I'm worried about the online portal that I'm assigned to due to 1) I have no experience, 2) I'm the only one in the team, and 3) What if the management decided that they want immediate result??

Damn... Is this a woman issue? I can't stop worrying...

And oh, I will still continue to seek other option outside, which is why I'm the way I am :) Suppose to meet another party for discussion along the way as well...

Alot of choices are better than having no choice at all, right??

A Sudden Pop of Opportunity

I was actually feeling quite certain that this is not what I want for myself. In fact, so certain that I was torn deep inside my heart; for if I choose to follow my dreams or my path I will end up hurting or disappointing my parents, yet if I follow their goodwill plan for me I end feeling miserable for not being able to pursue mine.

I know people will find me silly to go upset over such tiny matter, yet it’s a matter close to my heart because of the fear of hurting the parents and the fear that what they say will come true, that I really make a wrong choice. But definitely more about disappointing them is my biggest concern.

I ended up crying and feeling that my heart hurt so much, it could burst as I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents how exactly I’m feeling, because there just isn’t much of a word or even sentence to descript it. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t bear making myself go through yet another few years of job that I’m not passionate about.

With all that said and done, I went to work feeling quite certain that I will reject the offer as I’ll be handling the advertising sales for the mass paper itself – for it’s definitely not something that I would want. But then, surprise springs itself upon me yet again when the department head asked me whether I will be keen for the online portfolio; as it is relatively new, they need someone to put things into order. I admit it all sounded so very exciting, as they are leaving it in my hands, one inexperienced young girl – to mane the whole thing til it takes off. Sounds like a great challenge. Yet a few hours later, I found myself thinking – is this what I want, or I’m just excited that people actually placed their faith in me to get it done? Damn, another self-questioning time.

What I often worry about is that there tend to be opportunities popping up, yet it could just be some “sucky yucky” thing disguised as a great opportunity to get my interest while I allow the real opportunity to slip me by. Else I could be thinking too much.

Still, it’s only fair that I analyze further. Though they say it’s never best to over-analyze matters, but I find that it’s necessary for me to analyze it til I puke… for I rather just get stressed up now, then fed-up again in a few months down the road.

Feeling the fall

Really exhausted with all these that’s going on.

I was informed on the printing day, that it will officially be our last issue as the management decided to discuss further on how to proceed. That did not come exactly as a surprise, but it definitely way too sudden!

While I’m scrambling over my ground to find what to inform clients and agencies while awaiting the management’s black & white directive, I made a mistake by promptly telling my clients take note on possible changes – as it was apparently, it is not firmed. Yet at the same time, we were since told to give in our resignation letter for this company, only to be absorbed into the main corporation, but isn’t that a wee bit tricky? Shouldn’t the management actually come up with a letter for us all to say that we are being “absorbed” instead of asking us to give them our resignation letter?

All in all, I wasn’t too happy with how things went about but it was definitely a slap in the face to be told that I did not perform with sales in less than 3 months period – which caused the ‘possible’ closure. Of course it didn’t make much sense to me, but I guess I do matter that much to cause such drastic result, being the only sales-person left within that period.

Perhaps everything is very clear to my management but I just don’t seem to understand much is going on still. Here we are told to give in our resignation letter, the next minute I’m told that we may still continue with the company… Okay, that means they want to ‘fire’ the entire team only to start OVER AGAIN a few months later?

It’s decided. I must be really stupid because I still don’t comprehend much what is going on.

I think I am 'Complicated'

I HATE to admit that, seriously. Because that meant, I am just like most others, whose life led by complications.

However, I must say WE are the one who makes our life complicated.

I mean, look at me. I have fabulous family & friends who stood by me during hail, storm, sunny or whatever weather it could be, yet at times I can't help but feel lonely. It is such a contradictions that I just feel like kicking my nuts (unfortunately, I don't have any) and say "Buck up! You are better off than anybody already!"

Then in relationships, I've been through especially ONE horrible experience where I knew that something was amiss with that dude, yet I still allow him into my life & mess it all up. Yes, I "allowed" it. Despite the fact that I hate him & loathe him for making my life a mess, I knew that I am the one who given him that chance to break me. Even now, I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I still fear him and at the same time, feeling a huge urge to MURDER him. Yet I worry that by saying it aloud, I'm giving him that power over me. I detest that.

Ultimately, I hate myself for being stupid, fat, incapable, selfish, sensitive, ugly and all. I know that I'm not as bad as all that I mentioned, but I just can't help it at times, to feel so worthless. And that make me hate myself more. Because I feel that I do not appreciate myself. And if I don't, how others will?

See my contradictions? I know so much about me, yet I failed to do anything towards 'repairing' myself. I just go to a point where I can't stand myself.

Negativity? Too much, which in turns causes me to hate myself for being like that more.

Positivity? Please don't be mistaken. I am a positive person too. But often, I'm positive for others more than I could even be for myself. I can say "It's alright. Things will be okay" to all my loved ones, yet I always say "You idiot! How can you allow that to happen!" when I can't help certain situations that turned bad.

Sometimes, it is so complicated with all those fights over my head and my heart, that I just feel like hitting my head hard on the wall and say "Stop this nonsense. Stop Stop Stop."

So yes, I'm too darned complicated. Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself, for turning out this way. Sometimes I feel like crying, b'cos I can't understand anything. Sometimes I felt the anger, b'cos I feel powerless over myself.

I just want all this to end. And I know it starts from within. And I'm still searching. I just hope that when I find it, it wouldn't be too late.

Job Interviews

For the past whole week, I have been attending numerous interviews and such. It is pretty... tiring. Imagine this, 2-3 interviews in a day, and all different locations. From PJ to KL and forth. Travelling in Msia via car, isn't cheap (though I will never get into public transport these days. Too unsafe and packed, and too many foreigners) but it is the best option.

So anyway, job interviews. I got a few bad ones, and definitely some good ones.

There are several occasions or interviews, where these interviewers project a rather cocky or should say, too proud of themselves - kind of image. I can understand certain type of questions that they asked, but what I found personally VERY annoying is the fact that, they stepped on you with some words, and such. One particular one that I remember is this "This XXX company is quite a good company, why did you leave?" (of course, with the rather skeptical questionable and finger-pointing look) - firstly, I should have asked him back, "Why did you say it's a good one? Have you worked there before?" because there were so many red tapes and issues unsolved in this one, which in the end prevent me from developing myself and my job, which I find very unnerving because I feel that when I am paid, I need to perform in one way or another.

Besides, I'm here APPLYING for a job, I'm NOT BEGGING for it. End of the day when you decide that I'm the right person, I will make the FINAL call on whether to work with you.

Or there were this company who just say things and ended it in 15mins? Oh well, kinda expected since it's a Cobra Group. It's funny that I still went ahead with this interview, but there are just too many new names for Cobra Group these days.

And good ones are generally those who are openly asking questions on why I take certain actions, and what I'm seeking. Or even that nice manager from Malaysian Today, who end up telling and teaching me certain things. I can't help but agree with him on a number of matters, and thankful that he opened up my mind on certain things. And even another CEO in particular, is more interested in the person I am than the experience I had on certain fields. I am thankful for that.

It just makes me frustrated to think that many companies are questioning my reasons for leaving certain quarters, when I claimed that I enjoyed my job. What I can't tell them is how one job in particular, changed me into a very skeptical person when it comes to dealing with managers in particular. Occasionally I found myself recalling my times in my first job. I enjoyed the tasks given to me. Though I'm busy but I loved the fact that I'm multi-tasking, handling matters from sales, events to creatives. However, it proved to be quite an issue when it comes to dealing with my manager. It's not like that she's a horrible manager, or a bad person. But it just happened that the way she micro-handled me (no doubt, this actually was her advantage at her job, b'cos of her micro-sight she often never miss any little details that may prove to be important), and my stubbornness, end up making us loathe the sight of each other at some point.

But it went beyond that for me. I literally quite HATED her, onto a very personal level. It doesn't help that she put me in a depression mode for more than a year. I turned into a moody person, refuse to talk much to my family and friends, or when I do talk and once it touched on work topic, I get very frustrated and angry and I will start tearing up. Or those few times when I dreaded the time she will call my name in the office, not that it ever a bad thing, but I just get very worried if she starts finding faults with me - which leads me to HATE the sound of people calling my name. And because she is just seated in an open cubicle next to me (there's a partition), I am extremely sensitive to the sound of her chair. When she stood up, I waited with fear that my name will be called upon once I heard those "squeak" sound her chair made. It goes to a point that I had nightmares almost every night related to her, where it could be a scene that she screwed me in meeting, in front of everyone or she'll be screaming at me over the proposals I gave her. It causes me to be very much sleep-deprived and emotional. I can't recall the amount of times that I end up crying in the office toilet after she decided to "have a word" with me, whether or not it related to me. There are just occasions where I find her screaming at me, over things that is not caused by me but by other colleagues, or it's just her foul mood. Or even when I'm out of the office, there are several occasions she made me rushed back to settle some small matters which could be left til I come back later, or only to tell me "It's nothing actually" when I rushed from another appointment to the office. It goes to the point that I actually assigned a very emotional (actually it suppose to be funny) ringtone to her contact on my phone, and whenever my phone rang with that tone, I ended up crying or just want to jump over the cliff and die. I didn't know till now especially, how suicidal I was back then, till another close friend (who was my colleague then) told me that she didn't realized the extend of my emotional wreck till she re-use her old phone, all my old SMS-es to her were still stored. Almost every SMS contain the meanings that I wanted to end my life then and there.

All I can say is, that that is certainly one of the important things I think about whenever a job prospect comes along. Ultimately, I just want to have a healthy mind and life, so getting the right job with the right environment is very important to me. Alot of people look at the money part, as important as money is, but if you felt so bad on the job, it will not last still. At least that is that for me, I'm sure others will have their own opinion on that.