The Issue of Self-Harm

I really need to do some clarifications here. Families and friends are getting worried with my revelation of self-harm issue and have been approaching me. Yes, I have a tendency to have suicide-thoughts and harming myself in the process. Of course, there are some people who says it's attention-seeking behavior (which I will deny, I get attention no matter what I do and getting attention on this issue, is just not me) and tonnes of other things. Though when I think of it deeper, I did find myself questioning, "Did I really do this for attention?". After much thought, I decided that 'attention-seeking' is indeed part of the subconscious want of it, despite my conscious self deny it strongly.

Honestly, I have long since accepted this dark side of me that craves to hurt myself or to just die and let go of life itself. I have never given much thought on this side of me till mid-last year, where I took part of a seminar in the name of work. It made me realizes that I actually do fear that I will really get myself killed one-day, and that somewhat forces me to look deeper into my subconscious.

Funnily, it all started when I was 7 or 8 years old. I remembered that I was extremely upset about something and it prompted me to write a suicide letter in my notebook. I didn't do anything then. But over the years, I done many different things to kill myself which only ends with hilarious results (even I made myself speechless and laughed about it whenever I thought of it).

There was this time where I close all windows and doors in the kitchen I use cloth to cover each and any openings, then leave the gas on (all while at the same time praying no one will press the doorbell as I didn't want an explosion). Within 30 minutes, I got so fed-up of waiting for myself to die that I close the gas and open all windows and doors to let the air out. Then I went back to the TV to ease my boredom.

Another occasion, I opened the railing and window of my room and climbed on. While I was preparing to jump, the logic side of the brain kicks in. "My room is only ONE floor high. If I jumped off and only ends up with some bruises and scars, I will have to get back in the house through the front gate. And mum is downstairs." So I got off, close the window and went back to my study.

I too forced myself to swallowed a dozen over Panadols before sleep one day only to ends up with major headaches for the next few days. I totally avoid Panadol since then, unless I'm having major illness.

While I was renting room in college days, my bed on the upper deck is just next to the ceiling fan. If I stretch myself far out enough, I definitely be able to touch it. In more than one occasion, I had this strong curiosity of wanting to touch the fan while it was spinning - just so to see what would happen. But the thought of splattered blood, pain and possibly losing my hand while still being alive as well scarring my poor roommate for life stops me. Then I will fall fast asleep.

Once, I was way prepared to crash my car but the monetary side said, "The car is worth more than RM50,000 and when you die, your funeral will cost as much. Better keep the car for its value to pay for your death." So I stopped myself once again.

And of course, you guys know the part where I slit my wrist more than thrice and all. For the record, I KNOW that I can't die from the blood lost from the wrist. Unless I cut some major arteries, which is not possible as I don't slit that hard. Also, there are 5 stages of blood lost trauma which so far I've only experienced the first stage. In order to die, you need to reach the fourth or the last stage. So, if anyone you know tried to suicide with wrist slitting attempt, there are only two explanations to it. Either they don't know how to cut themselves the right way OR they just want attention and calling for help.

I could still bloody go on, but even I'm bored of writing my attempts. I noticed that whenever I have an emotional outbursts or something happened that caused me to be extremely unhappy about life, I will attempt whatever possible. I consider it as my weakness of being unable to face life as it is. It's a mental issue in its very own way. I've considered and tried to find some help by trying to located local psychiatrist (with no luck). Though I do consider myself lucky, in the sense that I know that it is a problem that need fixing. I believe that when one realized there is an issue and do something about it, even if it can't be resolved, it can at the very least be controlled.